scribbles at room's wall

if things gets too confusing, ill explain things until it gets clearer.

if you’re doubtful, ill give you guarantees.

if you feel upset, ill hug you tight. and i dont mind you not saying a thing.

if you feel bored, ill take you out on a date, or maybe play the guitar for you.

if you feel tired, ill let you sleep on my lap.

if you feel like crying, ill wipe your tears out, and we’ll keep it a secret.

if you feel hungry, let’s starve together. i mean ill try cooking.

if you wanna watch your favorite TV show, FINE! ill give up the remote control.

if your having a bad hair day, ill brush your hair with my fingertips, and you cant look any better. ;)

if you’re mad, i swear not to walk out. ill stay.

if there are fights, ill let you talk first, then ill say things like “no more fights, please”

if you’re broke, ill put my guitar on sale.

if you’re sick, ill write you letters everyday and will tell you how fascinating sunrise is.

if you got low exam scores, they’re all crap. you’ll surely do better next time hunn. really. :*

if you just wanna leave, ill give you reasons to stay.

if you fell out of love from me, ill tell you our love story

—and will start sleeping. :|

*mUnix nikai

untuned

tugtug'tugtug'tugtug'tugtug

there's that sound again. cannot stand it. so i cover my ears with my both hands as the cab turn its last left turn. "dito na lang po".

Still one block away, I wanna walk. I am not doing baby steps. But i am not doing my usual walkathon either. Look? didn't lit a cigar even. "Monique", I heard. T' was my childhood friend. I just smiled and made my favorite gesture 'salute'. And walkaway to avoid even a smalltalk. I don't feel like talking and reminiscing our childhood with our 'childhood sweethearts story'.

A pretty little girl welcomed me home. "ate" with that bratty smile. So I handed her, her favorite. And i kissed her.

I stepped inside. And a woman smiled at me. "Monique, kaen?". I just smiled back. "Papa?", I said. "Office pa.", she answered.

I went to 'My Place', locked the door. Placed my eyeglass on the side table and my bag as-well, filled with clothes for like 3 to 4 days. And lay down the bed.

'tugtug'tugtug'tugtug'. There you go again. Torture. I cannot cry, I wonder. I know it when i just wanna hide myself and cry like a pro. Pacific ocean, favorite. But I have all these feelings that I wanna cry like hell but cannot cry real hard. This is way different. Maybe because I expected the worse, and just hope for the best. Oh well.

After almost 5 hours of lying down and covering my ears.

*door knock*

"Nikai", it was my Dad.

He entered and sat beside the bed. he knows, than I'm just playing asleep.

"Shyrl Monique"

He sat there for like 5 minutes. But I just ignored him. So he just went outside.


'tugtug'tugtug'tugtug'

Torture. Covering my ears with both hands AGAIN. And it feels near. Near, I mean near. Like at my right arm.

And that sound. Sounds real. Feels real. I thought.

-Nikai

8:47 AM 8/18/2010

JOURNAL ENTRY: drinkin and flyin.

As I sit beside that dude, I lay my arm beside him. I can feel his heartbeat. I can also hear it maybe. 'tugtug'tugtug'tugtug'. Sounds nice ehh? :"> I secretly smiled and maybe blushed. I just want him near. He doesn't know. That I just wanna sit beside him everyday. And have him near. And hug him and kiss him, and love him, love him, love him. And I just stared at the wide-screen because we're there to watch that movie, not for me to let him know things such as I love him like I'll love him everyday. ;)

so if id say 'stay'

i want a submissive guy!

i want someone who is submissive, this time.

so if id say 'stay'.

he would.

-nikai

if you fall inlove. :s

if you are going to fall in love with me,
it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

--you are falling in love with my insecurities,
and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me.

you are falling in love with my immaturity,
my constant need to feel loved and appreciated,

my overactive tear ducts,
my internet obsession,
my tendency to be too clingy.

you fall in love with my troubled past,
and my hopes and dreams,
and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart.

if you fall in love with me,
you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections
and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

but, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when i’m with you,

the way i’ll text you in the mornings just telling you i hope you have a great day.

youre falling in love with the occasionally
humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say,

and the way i blush when people ask me about you.

but to me,the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me,

despite my thinking that it is impossible.

gang bang shit' :s

I NEVER LOVED YOU?!

tell me why I go the extra distance.

i can’t drive, but I take the effort to come see you,
even when it’s in the pouring rain.

tell me why whenever you hang up,
Im always the one that calls you back until you pick up?

tell me why I always text you,
just so you can reply back,
so I know that you’re okay.

tell me why I care for you so much?

tell me why I changed for you?
I quit smoking, I quit rolling, I quit my gang bang shit,
and all my bad ways just to be with you.

you never asked me to, but I did.
you know why?

cause I’d do everything anything to be with you.

—anything :s

journal entry #262

ako ay napa'ibig.
ng lugar na kung saan malayo sayo.



babalik.

na di magtatagal.
babalik kung saan ang puso nabi'bilang.

sayo.
hindi na ulit mag aalala.

dadating ang panahon.
babalik sa piling ng walang kasing gandang katulad mo.

wala kang kahantulad.

probinsya.
tunay na ako'y iyong napa'ibig. :)

a snailmail :)

Name: Shyrl Monique Torres Antonio
Birth Date: 29th of November
Current Location: Outerspace
Hair Color: Perfect Plum Red.
Righty/Lefty: Righteous. :))

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.
Your fear: close-spaces. and phone calls during bedtime.
Your dream of the perfect date: at the roof. gazing stars, while holding hands.

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.
Your thoughts first waking up: no no. im getting tricked again. it's still early.
Your best physical feature: ehh? why dont you tell me. :)
Your bed time: dunno. you freak! :))
Your most missed memory: feb 14, 2008. :))

LAYER 4: YOUR PICK.
Pepsi or Coke: coke zero. aaah. *thirst
McDonald’s or Burger King: mcdonals. as always :))
Single or Group Dates: both will do :)
Adidas or Nike: err. barefoot :))
Chocolate or Vanilla: sukolate :">
Cappuccino or Coffee: espresso :)

LAYER 5: DO YOU.
Smoke: i smoke dope. :)) haha.
Cuss: err. in a classy way. ahaha. :))
Take showers: guess what? yes. haha
Have a crush: ohh yes. :D
Like school: like ditching classes for lablab. :)
Believe in yourself: at times nerr :)
Believe what goes around comes around: owyee :).
Believe everything happens for a reason: affirmative :)
Think you’re a health freak: just freak. :D

LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH.
Gone to the mall: yep yep.
Been on stage: hahaha. crap!
Eaten sushi: california maki. *starve
Been hurt: a bit fragile.
Dyed your hair: almost every other month. geez'

LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER.
Played a stripping game: never.
Kissed the same sex: hahaha. THAT BITCH! sh*t.
Gotten beaten up: twisted exboyfriend.
Changed who you were to fit in: why would I?

LAYER 8: GETTING OLD.
Age you’re hoping to be married by: 25?
Number of kids you’re planning on having: 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 or 1o?

LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.
Best eye color: chocolate brown puffy eyes. :">
hair color: doesnt matter.
Fat or fit: whatever.
Looks or personality: both please.
Fun or serious: seriously funny.

LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.
1 MINUTE AGO: this :)
1 HOUR AGO: telebabad :)
1 WEEK AGO: sleeping galore :D
1 YEAR AGO: dont wanna remember. puhleez :(

LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE.
I FEEL: like i wanna write you a letter :)
I HATE: it because you wont even bother. :(
I HIDE: a lot of em' under my bed 2 summers back :)
I NEED: some hot chocolates. and bellpeppers. so i can sleep straight :)
I LOVE: sharing love :D

Monique (Môw-nik) ;

1. cute when she sneezes;
and know how to bring up a persons day, even after math classes;
only the luckiest guy ever gets to be in the presence of Monique;
and goes crazy at times;
she is also good at volleyball.

2. a really hot girl who is the best kind of girl for relationships. she IS a HUGE F-L-I-R-T, i mean she flirts with every known person on earth, man or woman, doesnt matter to her. but thats ok, because everyone still loves her to death. exceppt her haters, who noone really cares about.

gosh, that monique girl is just so hot, i wish she could be my girlfriend.

Bob:That monique girl was all over me in sci, hope this menas she likes me.
ju:dont nget your hopes up on her, there are so many boys who want her....

Monique (Môw-nik) ;

1. a person that is very true to herself. Tries to act mature but in the end can screw up because of a simple mistake or absent minded act. Very honest about most topics, unless it would hurt ones feelings if talked about to others. Can be somewhat bossy at times, and very self-conscious. Cares too much about those close to her, and can't stand betrayals. In general, doesn't want to feel left out, but will change for the people she loves. Very random, but tries to act sweet.

2. can be very verbal, overly defensive, and a real strict discliplinarian she can also be quiet, thoughtful, seductive and mysterious. Monique's are creative, intelligent and dislikes clutter, and loud obnoxious stuff others call music. To win this girl, honesty, and truth will get you on a higher ranking than lies and flattery. Don't expect this girl to be subserivant, treat her as an equal and don't try to control her. She will only put up with so much bull before she kicks you to the curb, and she won't care a bit about your bruised ego at that point.

3. a girl who is random, goes crazy at times, and has naturally curly hair. Attractive to some, weird to others. Acts too tough and then can break down in rapid mood swings. But still, everyone loves her anyway.

Monique (Môw-nik)

kasalanan mo.

ikaw ang nagta'takda ng pag lubog
ng araw sa twing dapit hapon. :[

trade off :/

i was not allowed to think of him.
THAT WAS SOMETHING i tried to be very strict about.


of course I slipped; I was only human.



but i was getting better,
and so the pain was something i could avoid for days at a time now.
the trade-off was the never-ending numbness.
between pain and nothing,

i’d chosen nothing.

ninety years.

my heart hasn’t beat in almost ninety years,
but this was different.

it was like my heart was gone
—like i was hollow.

like i’d left everything that was inside me here with you.

now i know what wud it be like. ='O

you know how sick i feel last night?
damn. not that much. but not
really enjoying it when you're
cutting me off when i am talking.

it feels like we're having one way
conversation. i dont know what's up with that.

man i said sorry. isn't that enough?
why are you making such a big deal out of
my personal observation.

it's just an observation. an opinion.
i can always be wrong. Man, that's an opinion.

you sounds like your scolding me.
same as the tone of my dad when he
caught me smoking at the backdoor of his house.

now i know what wud it be like.
you just gave me an idea how wud it be.

tss. you're just makin' me feel sick of this.
pushing me to get tired.

ulckkk. ='O

confused. day #8.

i was not finished kissing you.
don’t make me come over there hunn. :'3

narcoleptic.

am i sufferin from narcolepsy babe?

feels like im gonna be comatosed.
as in dead asleep. ughh.
wanna sleeeeep 25hours a day.


and hey!
hahaha. wudd'ap with me singing
your favorite song. and chokin' as hell
laughing cause i cant follow the tune.

hahaha. fun though. :3

sleep talker

i had a dream that we are dead.
but pretended to be alive.

wanna be on your shirt when it's cold at night.
thinkin' it might get warmer.

*wanna sleep a decade

for a change

f*ckin' teased with life. want new environment. hmp. :/

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/MunixGrapevine

global warming? or ur just too hot to handle? ;)

u should learn how to walk away quietly

--then come back later with a glock40.

**i feel sleepy. and hatin the humid. fvcked up freakin shit.

fightin over sumthin stupid.

That's what we do, we fight! You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a b**ch and I tell you when you're being a pain in the a**! Which you are 99% of the time! I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings! You have like a two second rebound rate and then you're back doing the next pain in the a** thing! I'm saying it's not going to be easy...It's going to be really hard! We are going to have to work at it everyday but I want to do that because I want you! I want all of you! You and me together everyday for the rest of my life!

and the lead role is me.

you know?
it's kinda frustrating when you're reading a love story that fails.
when a girl is trying to win back the guy she is sure off that
is made for her. well having him made for her is a different
thing. you get what i mean?

she is for her. not sure if he is for her.

well anyways-- as I was saying, it upsets me to read such story.

and what is more frustrating?
it's when you realize in the middle of reading the story.
you found out. --your the lead role. BANG!
"hei. im the lead role. im the girl who had her heart broken"

what is more frustrating than realizing that it is your story.
your the lead role, and your prince charming is out there.
unconscious about everything.

you've just realized after a bus ride going home
and breathing in all the pollution at edsa that
your battle ends.

your battle ends when your finally home,
and you go straight to bed and cry without you
taking off your shoes yet, and its been a silent cry.
silently crying for 4 hours straight over someone,
who cant barely remember your name.

i keep on insisting that we're meant to be.
and i thought id be happy because im fighting for
what is real and for what i truly feels.

that loving him morethan anyone else could
love a guy has always been enough.
i thought.

well guess what? Im wrong.

hurts as hell, thats how i describe itbefore.


well. they shud have invented an appropriate term.

because i love him. i still do.
and it hurts.
morethan any dictionary or Wikipedia can
ever described. not even google can
describe how much hurt i've been keeping
while i keep on insisting that id wait for
the only man i've loved this much and i wud ever loved.

he is the only man on planet earth that can make
me the happiest person living with just a simple
kiss on the forehead.

i love him. never been as sure as hell.

you know the feeling that you wanna
take good care of someone.
every hour of your day.
that's what i always have inside me.

but your not expecting that on that story.
there's twist. because suddenly there wud be no ending.
none at all. no happy ending. not even sad ending.
there is none. no ending. the story ends at the midst of
you mumbling words.

no. not because the lead role died.
its because the lead role lived,
but more of a dead damsel.

suddenly i wanna go out with my old friends.
well not literally old, you know what i meant.
or be somewhere that would make me
remember who i was before i met you.

because when i focus on waiting, i didnt notice that i lose myself miserably.

i wanna love myself.
i wanna love myself.
i wanna remember how to love myself.

i give up.
finally. i admit i lose.
i lose you.
i lose you.

and i have 300 words inside my head.
i dont know.
i dont know.
i dont know.
a hundred times.

will i comeback after i've gain myself again?
that i cant answer. well now, im giving myself
no choice but just to leave. because i think you
happy. and aside to my love for you, knowing
that your happy is morethan enough.

one last. once more.
from day one up to now, i have loved you.
i have loved you way-back our past life i know.

I LOVE YOU.
i hope to see you on our next life.
i just cant wait.
and if ever your still not made for me.
i'd still be excited to wait another lifetime.

now.

the long battle is over. i should be coming back
to where i should be, where would that be?
ill find out. that'd be my next mission.

pneumonia.

nothing matters..

as long as i see your face..
your eyes..
your hair..
your lips..
touch your skin..

you know what love is?
love is when you speak to me..

it is wen you kiss me..

IT MOVES ME INTO MY SOUL..

love is all about you..

i miss you. :)

SUPERNOVA (pl. supernovae)

__________________________________________
"every heart has its own garden.
where in time, flowers will bloom as they fall inlove. :) ________________________________________

singing all day was kinda' remarkable. haha.
never seen myself smile this good again.

i mean so good!

though i smile and laugh once in a while.
it never been this agreeable and convincing.

are you familiar to this kind of feeling?
where in you just woke up this morning
and the sun shines a little bit better.
you face yourself in the mirror and
you see your self a litte bit prettier. =))

and when you sing your voice sounds a little bit sweeter.

and through that you just realized.
something has changed.

that now, i am a bit stronger.

so i go back to bed. and close my eyes,
as i hug my pillow tight and scream
while im covering my face with it.

having blushes on my cheeks as i smile and giggle, i dont know why.
was kinda overwhelming. :)


it's been so long.

--that i've heard a word from you.
but you still sings into my ear.
--that i've seen your face.
yet i know how your smile looks like.

i hear you breathe. laugh. talk. yawn. i hear you sigh.

as long as the sun shines brighter than moon does.
i will still be the same nikai.

that hears you.
--from a mile i hear you.