to mahirap na parte.
yung umpisa.
uumpisahan.
umpisa ng katapusan.
katapusan ng storya.
parating ganun.
katapusan mo.
katapusan ko.
--walang tayo.
na walang hinto.
walang hintong katapusan.
tanga. kumbaga.
unang karangalang banggit na talaga.
first honor aku pare.
kung ilang beses ko na rin niloko sarili ko.
kunware ayos lang.
ayos ako.
bat naman hindi diba?
**buntong hininga.
mahirap dayain.
taena.
tagal na rin.
patawa! isang taon na mahigit pare.
bilangin ko pa oras sa mukha mo. type mo?
kung tutuusin pedeng naka'ilang relasyon na rin
ako mula nung mag sarado libro naming dalawa.
mejo hindi rin talaga ko sanay sa gaguhan.
ikaw ba? sya? malay ko.
mag kaiba din kase.
yung mahal mo.
sa gusto mong mahalin.
so nung una mejo kala ko epektib.
date date. nuod sine. kaen sa labas.
sundo sa skwela. text text. ganun.
"so panu? mag susuot ka ng pink sa first date naten. ha?"
"nikai itawag mo saken. o kaya mam".
"sunduin mo ko sa skul? pag ayaw ko. mag tampo ka.".
"paligo mo pabango mo sa buong waiting shed ng school para
pag labas ko maamoy na kita ha. haha. to gamitin mo."
"bili tayong jelly ace".
"arbor ako ng isang panyo."
"wag ka muna pa'gupit lab. pahabain mu buhok mu ha?".
"kelan birthday mo? papa'miss ako tas tatawag ako ha? ako dapat una.
pag may iba. reject mo. ha?"
--hanggang unti unti.
ngumingiti na ko. nakakatawa na.
naalala ko na kung anong tunog ng tawa ko.
dahil unti unti.
binubuhay ko sya sa katauhan ng iba.
isang perpektong imbensyon.
kaya. ayon.
masaya.
masaya si munikai.
wala na namang kasing saya.
--kasama yung mugtong niyang mata.
alam ko sinasabe nam isip mo. TANGA!
niyakap ko pa nga minsan.
mahigpit. nakamamatay ata.
clone: "monique. teka teka."
ako: "saglit naman -----. miss na miss na kita. payakap lang"
clone: "alam ko. miss din kita monique. umiiyak ka ba?".
ako: "nikai!"
clone: "sorry. nikai nga pala".
*tumawa ako habang naiyak*.
*at isa pang mahigpit na yakap sakania*.
**"saglit naman ----. miss na miss na kita".
kung narinig ba na pangalan mo ang
binanggit ko. hindi ko talaga sigurado.
mahal niya ko.
kung gano. hindi ko rin alam.
pedeng hindi rin gaano.
ako? mahal ko sya.
kase sya ay sya. sya yun ee. si ___.
ako: "mahal na mahal kita. wag ka na aalis ulet ha?"
*hinalikan niya ko sa gitna ng dalawang mata*
clone: "pag naririnig ko yan. totoong totoo monique.
pero yung pakiramdam na hindi para saken.
sa iba mo sinasabe. parang gusto kong masaktan."
at hindi ko na idi'detalye.
basta yun na ang huling araw naming mag kasama.
huling araw na naming nag usap.
kung anong malabo? naging malinaw na.
patawad. ayokong sabihing hindi ko intensyon.
basta sorry. mali ako.
so balik ulet sa dati.
this time sinabe ko na sa sarili kong hindi na mauulet.
mangmang talaga.
ano nga bang meron sya?
wag mong itanung saken.
kase meron sya ng wala sila.
--puso ko.
pano ba? parang mababaw.
mahal ko siya. parang simple.
na pag nakikita ko sya gusto ko na lang syang yakapin ng buong araw. araw araw.
na ayokong nag kakasakit sya kase naiiyak ako sa pag aalala.
na gusto ko na lang ilipat saken lahat ng lungkot na pwede niyang maramdam.
kasalanan ko. yun nga siguro. kase mahal ko sya..
nung nakaraang punta namen sa batangas.
parang ayoko na bumalik nang manila.
pumunta ko sa dagat mag-isa ng gabing yun.
habang sila tuloy pa rin ang inom at maingay na nag kakantahan.
buwan lang ang nag sisilbing ilaw.
may hawak na yosi. kala nila lalangoy pa ko.
nahihilo akong nag lakad palayo.
"hindi ako lasing. sandali lang. upo lang ako. dyan lang kayo."
lumayo pa ko ng konti.
umupo ako. dun sa parteng mahahampas ako ng tubig.
sobrang galing ko palang artista. akalain mo yun mahal.
pakiramdam ko ako na lang ang tao sa mundo nun.
para magkaron ng ganung lakas ng loob sa unang pagkakataon.
sinigaw ko buong pangalan niya. lumagpas ng sampung beses kong sinigaw? baka.
sumigaw ako. yung malawak na dagat na yun kayang kaya kong
tumbasan ng luha ko.
sumigaw ng sumigaw habang hilong hilo na sa alak. yung pinaka malakas ko na.
anong intensyon ko? maubos ang boses ko.
sabe na. iiyak na naman ako.
"_____________. asan ka na ba?
asan ka na dinala? mas madali sana to mahal.
kung hindi kita nakikita sa twing pipikit ako.
o kung hindi kita naaamoy sa twing hihinga ko.
mas madali sana to. kung tinuruan mo ko.
na hindi ka mahalin lang ng sobra. sorry. ___ sorry.
mahal kita eh. pano bukas? sa susunod na bukas?
papasok ka pa ba sa isip ko? pwede bang wag na?
kase nasasaktan pa rin ako. naramdaman mo na
ba yung pakiramdam na nauubos ka na? ____, yun na kase.
yun na ko ngaun. malapit na maubos. mahal lang kase kita eh.
kaya ganto. tanga. ayoko na ng bukas. ng kahapon. ng ngayon.
kase wala ka. _______ mahal kita. iningatan mo ba sarili mo?"
naalala ko nung bata ako. ganun na ganun yung
tono ko nung gabing yun.
nag susumbong sa papa kase inagawan ang
paborito niyang nikai ng laruan.
sa pag kakataong yun.
nag susumbong ako. sa mga kapatid mong bulalakaw.
nag susumbong sa tatay kong buwan.
at mahigit kalahating oras din akong iyak lang ng iyak dun.
malamig din yung tubig. kasing lamig ng hanging humahampas sa muka ko.
iyak. hilo. taena naman.
hindi na ko babalik ng manila.
sabe ko sa sarili ko.
pero wala eh. kelangan bumalik.
gusto ko mapunta sa tabi mo.
kahit san basta sa tabi mo.
kahit malayo basta sa tabi mo.
hindi ako yung tipo ng taong tumitigil pag napapagod.
bat kase tanga ko.
tyempo naman matalino ka.
bast kase mahal kita.
tyempo rin na ---. basta.
ansakit naman.
*hikbi*
bat kase ganto ko mag mahal nang wala na.
yung saken. sayo. saten? hindi na ko umaasa.
hindi rin naman ako mang gugulo pa.
walang intensyon. malayong maging intensyon.
nga pala.
marami na kong ipon. kase gusto ko bumili ng oras mo.
isang araw. o kaya kalahating araw. o sige na nga.
dalawang minuto lang. pero di bale na.
may lakad din kase ko.
dun sa lugar ko.
kita kita na lang sa kalawakan.
sa kalawakan.
kung san ako bagay.
--kung san malayo sayo.
sorry talaga. alam ko naman na eh.
tuloy mo lang yan. basta. yung pangako mo.
iingatan mo sarili mo. at magiging masaya ka lang.
pasensya na talaga.
mahal kita.
kahit araw araw.
umpisa.
umpisa ng pag tatapos nating dalawa.
inuumpisahang mag ka'amnesia na lang mahal.
*hikbi*
teka. teka ____.
nasabi ko na ba?
mahal kita.
mahal pa rin.
-nikai
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
since then.
if you'll ask me how many times he entered my mind.
i'd be lying if I say many.
--cause he only entered only once.
since then, he never came out.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
maubusan ka din..
maubusan ka din...
--tanhale.
pag uwi mula sa opisina.
diretsong kwarto para mag palit ng damit.
*pagod, antok, at --lasing*
nga pala.
tanghali pa lang.
*dapa sa kama*
na ang inaasahan ay makakatulog na.
mapagod. antukin.
umiwas.
umiwas na maisip ka.
tanga.
tanga.
tanga lang talaga
dahil matagal ko na
rin naman tong ginagawa.
at nabibigo pa rin.
na hindi ka isipin.
na hindi ka mahagip ng isip.
o ang boses mo.
o ang tikwas ng buhok mo.
o ang nunal mu sa may labi.
o ang ngiti mo.
o ang tawa mong tunog alien.
o ang kamay mo.
o ang lahat na.
*iyak*
naisip ko.
dapat pala mejo
dinamihan ko pa inom ku kanina.
baka sakaling basag na basag na ko pag uwi.
na hindi lang makatulog at hindi ka na maiisip
ang magagawa ko.
kundi.
comatose.
ma'comatose.
*hikbi*
gustu ku mapalayo.
*hikbi*
nga pala.
--dibale na nga.
balang araw..
mauubusan ka din..
ng panyo..
kahapon. alas singko.
na tulad ng dati.
at ng nakagawian ko nam gawin.
gantung oras inaakyat ko am bubong niyo.
tahimik.
isang napaka linis na krimen na
araw araw kong nagagawa.
ikaw?
--walang malay.
sumabit am dulo nam pantalon
ko sa pasimano dahil sa pagmamadali.
hinila ko.
at dali daling umakyat.
sa wakas.
tagumpay!
nakaakyat.
na may punit am pantalon.
sakto talaga tong gantung oras.
mejo kulimlim na rin kase mahal.
*upo*
*tingin sa relo*
ayos na rin.
hindi rin naman masasabing mahirap para
saken tong gantu kase pinipili ko rin naman.
*buntong hininga*
*higa*
waw.
ansaket sa likod ha.
ibang klase. haha.
ginawa kong unan am suot suot kong
jacket kahit pa nanunuot hanggang
kaluluwa am ginaw.
parang sampung aircon am nakatutok saken.
kumpara kahapon at nung isang hapon.
mas maginaw ngaun.
*buntong hininga*
nakiramdam ako.
na tipong pag hinga ko pinipigilan
para lang marinig bawat tunog, kaluskos, ingay
na mang gagaling sa loob.
*tingin ulit sa relo*
maaga pa.
*pikit*
nakikiramdam.
may narinig ako.
pinaka magandang tunog sa buong mundo.
boses mo.
boses mo.
boses mo.
*dilat*
napangiti aku.
mabuti mabuti.
gaya nam inaasahan.
mamaya ka saken.
*pikit ulit*
at marami pa.
marami pa kong narinig.
*hikab*
naramdaman kong unti unti nam
tumatahimik sa loob nam bahay.
magandang senyales.
hanggang sa.
oras ko na.
at oras mu na.
para matulog
dahan dahan akong bumaba.
at pumasok sa bahay niyo.
sa kinagawian pa ring pasukan.
malabong mahuli.
at tulad ng inaasahan
matagumpay na nakapasok sa loob nam bahay.
*ngisi*
alam ko na kung san ako
dadalin nam mga paa ko.
sayo.
diretso.
mahimbing ka na naman.
isang hindi mababayarang pag kakataon.
umupo ako sa tabi.
ikaw.
mahal.
ang ipinunta ko dito.
tahimik. mahimbing.
*nangingilid na luha*
tahimik na tahimik
na tipong bawat pag patak ng segundo naririnig ko.
sumasabay sa pag patak ng luha.
mag dadalawang oras.
----na pala akong nakatitig lang sa mukha mo.
natutulog. na halos pati pag hinga mo bilangin ko na.
*hikbi*
tong gantong pag kakataon.
hindi nababayaran.
mas mahal pa.
sa pinagsamasamang xmas bonus at tax refund.
hindi ko ipagpapalit.
dalawang oras.
nam buhay ko.
matitigan ka.
*buntong hininga*
san ka na ba dinala ____?
*halik sa noo*
aalis ako.
-ngayon.
pero bukas.
babalik ako.
at sisiguraduhing tulad nam dati.
mahal hindi mo ko mahuhuli.
matulog ka nam maaga ha.
para hindi aku masadong inuumaga nang uwi.
*lingon*
*mahinang pagbigkas nam pangalan*
at ng nakagawian ko nam gawin.
gantung oras inaakyat ko am bubong niyo.
tahimik.
isang napaka linis na krimen na
araw araw kong nagagawa.
ikaw?
--walang malay.
sumabit am dulo nam pantalon
ko sa pasimano dahil sa pagmamadali.
hinila ko.
at dali daling umakyat.
sa wakas.
tagumpay!
nakaakyat.
na may punit am pantalon.
sakto talaga tong gantung oras.
mejo kulimlim na rin kase mahal.
*upo*
*tingin sa relo*
ayos na rin.
hindi rin naman masasabing mahirap para
saken tong gantu kase pinipili ko rin naman.
*buntong hininga*
*higa*
waw.
ansaket sa likod ha.
ibang klase. haha.
ginawa kong unan am suot suot kong
jacket kahit pa nanunuot hanggang
kaluluwa am ginaw.
parang sampung aircon am nakatutok saken.
kumpara kahapon at nung isang hapon.
mas maginaw ngaun.
*buntong hininga*
nakiramdam ako.
na tipong pag hinga ko pinipigilan
para lang marinig bawat tunog, kaluskos, ingay
na mang gagaling sa loob.
*tingin ulit sa relo*
maaga pa.
*pikit*
nakikiramdam.
may narinig ako.
pinaka magandang tunog sa buong mundo.
boses mo.
boses mo.
boses mo.
*dilat*
napangiti aku.
mabuti mabuti.
gaya nam inaasahan.
mamaya ka saken.
*pikit ulit*
at marami pa.
marami pa kong narinig.
*hikab*
naramdaman kong unti unti nam
tumatahimik sa loob nam bahay.
magandang senyales.
hanggang sa.
oras ko na.
at oras mu na.
para matulog
dahan dahan akong bumaba.
at pumasok sa bahay niyo.
sa kinagawian pa ring pasukan.
malabong mahuli.
at tulad ng inaasahan
matagumpay na nakapasok sa loob nam bahay.
*ngisi*
alam ko na kung san ako
dadalin nam mga paa ko.
sayo.
diretso.
mahimbing ka na naman.
isang hindi mababayarang pag kakataon.
umupo ako sa tabi.
ikaw.
mahal.
ang ipinunta ko dito.
tahimik. mahimbing.
*nangingilid na luha*
tahimik na tahimik
na tipong bawat pag patak ng segundo naririnig ko.
sumasabay sa pag patak ng luha.
mag dadalawang oras.
----na pala akong nakatitig lang sa mukha mo.
natutulog. na halos pati pag hinga mo bilangin ko na.
*hikbi*
tong gantong pag kakataon.
hindi nababayaran.
mas mahal pa.
sa pinagsamasamang xmas bonus at tax refund.
hindi ko ipagpapalit.
dalawang oras.
nam buhay ko.
matitigan ka.
*buntong hininga*
san ka na ba dinala ____?
*halik sa noo*
aalis ako.
-ngayon.
pero bukas.
babalik ako.
at sisiguraduhing tulad nam dati.
mahal hindi mo ko mahuhuli.
matulog ka nam maaga ha.
para hindi aku masadong inuumaga nang uwi.
*lingon*
*mahinang pagbigkas nam pangalan*
unread
**wayback
Dear ______,
i just couldnt sleep.
It's been a lone day.
i spend all this time thinkin of you.
i miss you.
__, sometimes i just
cant believe how lucky i am,
having someone like
you in my life.
you know, someone to be with
when everything gets to be too much.
i would probably gone CRAZY long
ago if it were not for you.
i just cant forget our first date.
i was so lost with your smiles at me.
and i guess from that time on,
i was never really the same.
you know, it's WEIRD, but i've
just begun to think of i'll do or
what will happen to me if you
turn me away.
The nikay you know,
will just die.
When i lose you __,
I'm afraid i'll lose myself.
Sometimes i do nothing else
but think of you.
I would sit by myself,
close my eyes, and there you are
--right by my side.
I'd lean forward and whisper
in your ear "I LOVE YOU"
I'd put my arm around you and hold
you tight like i would never let you go.
It's a wonderful moment
and I wish with all my heart
that it would never end.
I wanna dance with you.
Swaying to and fro to some
un-heard music, listening to
the beat of our own hearts.
I've had my chance to see
other guys, to have boyfriends even.
But for some reason i didn't.
I've had crushes now and there,
thought I had fallen in love once
or twice, but NONE of them, i
realize now, were ever really serious.
I was starting to think
that something was wrong
with me. AND then you came
along and i realized that maybe
GOD had kept me away from all
of those guys because I was
for you. right?
And not a day passes that I don't
thank HIM for giving me the
most wonderful, the most wonderful
guy I have ever met.
Everytime I see something nice,
something really beautiful.
I always thinks of sharing it with you.
be it a wonderful movie,
an extra-pretty-sunset,
or a startingly exotic bird
perched on a branch outside my
classroom's window.
Last night while watching the sky
I saw again shooting stars.
This time there's three of them
fall to earth one after another.
It was one of the most
overwhelmingly terrifying yet beautiful things I have ever seen
and I wanted so much to share it with you.
Perhaps I just wanted you to feel
the joy I felt. If only such a thing
could be possible, I would share
with you all the joy there is in me.
All the joy i have ever felt in my life.
Maybe then you won't ever be sad.
I used to be so afraid of commitment.
But im ready now and Im no longer'
afraid. With you I'm willing to risk everything, brave anything.
I want to stay with you all my life.
I want to grow old with you ____,
get sick with you ____. I want to take
care of you and keep you from all harm.
I think of lying with you and watch you sleep. I think of kissing you, touching your skin, embracing you.
I think of loving you and crying,
happy that Ive given a chance to love you and be loved.
___, I really love you.
I hope you wont get tired of hearing it
because I wont ever get tired of saying it.
I want to climb the highest cliff I see and scream
at the top of my lungs that I Iove you until my
voice gives out. Im inlove with the most wonderful
man GOD has ever created. And that makes me
really happy.
Last night I dreamed of you.
And it was so wonderful because
in that dream..
--I saw you smile _____.
I love you so much.
please take care.
Dear ______,
i just couldnt sleep.
It's been a lone day.
i spend all this time thinkin of you.
i miss you.
__, sometimes i just
cant believe how lucky i am,
having someone like
you in my life.
you know, someone to be with
when everything gets to be too much.
i would probably gone CRAZY long
ago if it were not for you.
i just cant forget our first date.
i was so lost with your smiles at me.
and i guess from that time on,
i was never really the same.
you know, it's WEIRD, but i've
just begun to think of i'll do or
what will happen to me if you
turn me away.
The nikay you know,
will just die.
When i lose you __,
I'm afraid i'll lose myself.
Sometimes i do nothing else
but think of you.
I would sit by myself,
close my eyes, and there you are
--right by my side.
I'd lean forward and whisper
in your ear "I LOVE YOU"
I'd put my arm around you and hold
you tight like i would never let you go.
It's a wonderful moment
and I wish with all my heart
that it would never end.
I wanna dance with you.
Swaying to and fro to some
un-heard music, listening to
the beat of our own hearts.
I've had my chance to see
other guys, to have boyfriends even.
But for some reason i didn't.
I've had crushes now and there,
thought I had fallen in love once
or twice, but NONE of them, i
realize now, were ever really serious.
I was starting to think
that something was wrong
with me. AND then you came
along and i realized that maybe
GOD had kept me away from all
of those guys because I was
for you. right?
And not a day passes that I don't
thank HIM for giving me the
most wonderful, the most wonderful
guy I have ever met.
Everytime I see something nice,
something really beautiful.
I always thinks of sharing it with you.
be it a wonderful movie,
an extra-pretty-sunset,
or a startingly exotic bird
perched on a branch outside my
classroom's window.
Last night while watching the sky
I saw again shooting stars.
This time there's three of them
fall to earth one after another.
It was one of the most
overwhelmingly terrifying yet beautiful things I have ever seen
and I wanted so much to share it with you.
Perhaps I just wanted you to feel
the joy I felt. If only such a thing
could be possible, I would share
with you all the joy there is in me.
All the joy i have ever felt in my life.
Maybe then you won't ever be sad.
I used to be so afraid of commitment.
But im ready now and Im no longer'
afraid. With you I'm willing to risk everything, brave anything.
I want to stay with you all my life.
I want to grow old with you ____,
get sick with you ____. I want to take
care of you and keep you from all harm.
I think of lying with you and watch you sleep. I think of kissing you, touching your skin, embracing you.
I think of loving you and crying,
happy that Ive given a chance to love you and be loved.
___, I really love you.
I hope you wont get tired of hearing it
because I wont ever get tired of saying it.
I want to climb the highest cliff I see and scream
at the top of my lungs that I Iove you until my
voice gives out. Im inlove with the most wonderful
man GOD has ever created. And that makes me
really happy.
Last night I dreamed of you.
And it was so wonderful because
in that dream..
--I saw you smile _____.
I love you so much.
please take care.
dealin with the stress of the war
only those who are brave
--can fight for their happiness.
that's why.
now you know why?
**i covered my face again
this night with my pillow.
it was kinda sad thinkin of your face.
too bad that i am so cravin to kiss your cheeks this time.
maybe seven or eight kiss
on both left and right cheek
will let me sleep.
aaa!
i know.
and ofcourse.
been tryin to forget you.
forgive me.
you know i am trying.
just not easy.
it feels like crying all of these again this time.
_____ , it hurts like hell. aaa!
this hurts like hell.
dear santa.
june 13, 2009
why?
because i hate you.
i hate weddings.
i hate flowers.
i hate hate dashing grooms and blushing brides.
i hate birthdays and cakes,
candies, choc-nut bars and pin
the tail on the donkey games.
i hate carbonara.
i hate christmas songs.
i hate gifts
i hate santa claus.
i hate reindeers.
i hate valentine's.
i hate CUPID.
i hate red hearts and red shirts and red shoes.
i hate patrick starfish and spongebob and the little mermaid and beauty and the beast.
i hate sleepless in Seattle and Forest Gump.
I hate garfield and snoopy and doraemon. Mickey mouse , goofy and Donald duck. Dora the explorer and Jollibee Mascots.
I hate walks in the park,
dates , and beach outings.
i hate mariah carey and whitney houston and sarah geronimo songs.
they sing about LOVE..
about SACRIFICE..
yet they dont know what the hell
they're talking about..
I hate roller coaster rides, double movie seats.
I hate smiles and kisses, whispered sweet nothings, hands held tight and embraces.
i hate joy!
i hate laughter!
i hate life!
--I..
i hate love!
and i hate you because you are happy.
--and im not.
overdosage
na.
hindi totoong gagaling
ang sakit pag lipas nam panahon.
mali ka.
dahil hindi doctor am panahon.
lalong hindi un mamahaling gamot.
tanga! hindi ka gagaling.
ang maipapangako lang nun ay.
--ang masanay ka.
pag dating nam panahon.
masasanay ka na nasasaktan.
o may karamdaman.
ngaun kun iniisip mo
na gagaling ka pag nag
antay ka nam matagal na panahon.
mali yan pre.
subukan mo ibahin
areglo jan sa nararamdaman mo.
tama?
-munix
hindi totoong gagaling
ang sakit pag lipas nam panahon.
mali ka.
dahil hindi doctor am panahon.
lalong hindi un mamahaling gamot.
tanga! hindi ka gagaling.
ang maipapangako lang nun ay.
--ang masanay ka.
pag dating nam panahon.
masasanay ka na nasasaktan.
o may karamdaman.
ngaun kun iniisip mo
na gagaling ka pag nag
antay ka nam matagal na panahon.
mali yan pre.
subukan mo ibahin
areglo jan sa nararamdaman mo.
tama?
-munix
AUTOPSY OF AN EXGIRLFRIEND
april 18, 2009
again.
another night of battle.
turning and turning.
tryin to catch sleep.
--it's been 3 months.
3months, 10 days, and 11hours.
since you bring with you all
that is left in me.
everything.
--my heart.
life without you was full of drinking and smoking.
i had no sleep for weeks.
looked like shit and pale.
tasted nothing but tears.
no food, just water.
water to avoid dehydration.
seems like i am ready for another round of breakdown.
in fact. everytime this happens.
it was like relive the first time.
coming back to the very moment you
just drop it. BOOM!
we are dead.
no more us. no more.
as i close my eyes it all flashes back again tonight.
vividly.
the first cut.
cryin.
as if everytime could be the last.
it's as if Id die crying.
dammit!
all over again.
this night.
your nikai!
it's just like im going around in circles.
you know what?
breaking your heart would be the last things i would do.
ill never forgive myself if that would happen.
ive never tried changing who you are.
though sometimes i think that if im not inlove with you,
ill be thinkin that you're just another dumbass.
but you're different.
i dont know why i think you're just different.
i see you this way.
you. this.
i see you in the most special way.
like no one can ever see a person.
or no one can ever appreciate every single little thing.
it's you.
you who make me fall this deep.
--and make me this stupid.
i dont need you to be perfect.
never did i wish you were.
i have loved you.
everyday.
dear ive been tryin to get over you.
since day one you've slapped into my face.
that there will be no chances for us.
so i dont need to fight for what i feel.
though just watching you go is like a suicide.
im not sure how hard or easy it was for you.
letting someone court me is not fair.
it feels like im being unfaithful.
dammit!
im not gonna let anyone heal my pains.
when i know there is no cure.
or maybe its not really cure that im after.
maybe.
i just need to get used to it.
damn fine!
somehow i am craving for help.
someone else to save me.
to hold me with touch and to keep me in chains.
but no. no way. ill endure this myself. you know what.
i miss being kissed by you. ive told myself not to allow anyone to kiss me.
no matter how good they are.
or how much of better kisser that person is.
--for i know for sure that ill always end up
looking for the taste of your lips.
as if im crazily addicted to it. dammit! this hurts.
that every single day of still loving and hurting.
my mouth would still utter the three words you
used to hear from me. oh sure baby! you're not aware.
and no way that you'll be interested to know these things.
or even to know how much ive mess my life since that murder.
sure!
that i dont know how i can stand the fact that you dont care.
and i cant even hate you for that.
not even at all.
i just cannot.
and i hate being so weak when its about you.
*sob
i am hating myself.
I HATE THE WAY I AM!
well what do you expect me to say.
if i was good enough. or maybe better.
maybe you'll never think of leaving.
I HATE BEING MONIQUE.
i dont like myself.
i was sick. i was tired.
pulling me down.
giving me invisible bruises. it was like a slow death.
and you're the one who is securing my resting place.
no baby. not a bullet shot through my head.
but a blunt sword cutting through my neck. deep.
too much of saying. ill go. ill leave. i will move on. but look at me now.
*sigh*
there would always be something that would bring me back to you.
what a great torment.
i remember.
telling myself someday you will get hurt.
not because i wanted to or because im vengeful.
someday you will cry because i have really fallen inlove with someone else.
so dont wait for me to hurt you unintentionally.
*smurk.
as if! as if you'll give a damn.
ofcourse you wont.
i can just fall for someone.
and you wont care.
**another cut. in the midst of silence.
when everyone is asleep.
i will cry for my death.
i'll myself.
i'll cry your name.
ill cry it all out.
you'll feel it. you'll hear it.
you'll be reminded of my sobbing sounds.
i miss you.
**sob
tears were falling because i think i am ready to let go.
so do i believe.
--to be continued
again.
another night of battle.
turning and turning.
tryin to catch sleep.
--it's been 3 months.
3months, 10 days, and 11hours.
since you bring with you all
that is left in me.
everything.
--my heart.
life without you was full of drinking and smoking.
i had no sleep for weeks.
looked like shit and pale.
tasted nothing but tears.
no food, just water.
water to avoid dehydration.
seems like i am ready for another round of breakdown.
in fact. everytime this happens.
it was like relive the first time.
coming back to the very moment you
just drop it. BOOM!
we are dead.
no more us. no more.
as i close my eyes it all flashes back again tonight.
vividly.
the first cut.
cryin.
as if everytime could be the last.
it's as if Id die crying.
dammit!
all over again.
this night.
your nikai!
it's just like im going around in circles.
you know what?
breaking your heart would be the last things i would do.
ill never forgive myself if that would happen.
ive never tried changing who you are.
though sometimes i think that if im not inlove with you,
ill be thinkin that you're just another dumbass.
but you're different.
i dont know why i think you're just different.
i see you this way.
you. this.
i see you in the most special way.
like no one can ever see a person.
or no one can ever appreciate every single little thing.
it's you.
you who make me fall this deep.
--and make me this stupid.
i dont need you to be perfect.
never did i wish you were.
i have loved you.
everyday.
dear ive been tryin to get over you.
since day one you've slapped into my face.
that there will be no chances for us.
so i dont need to fight for what i feel.
though just watching you go is like a suicide.
im not sure how hard or easy it was for you.
letting someone court me is not fair.
it feels like im being unfaithful.
dammit!
im not gonna let anyone heal my pains.
when i know there is no cure.
or maybe its not really cure that im after.
maybe.
i just need to get used to it.
damn fine!
somehow i am craving for help.
someone else to save me.
to hold me with touch and to keep me in chains.
but no. no way. ill endure this myself. you know what.
i miss being kissed by you. ive told myself not to allow anyone to kiss me.
no matter how good they are.
or how much of better kisser that person is.
--for i know for sure that ill always end up
looking for the taste of your lips.
as if im crazily addicted to it. dammit! this hurts.
that every single day of still loving and hurting.
my mouth would still utter the three words you
used to hear from me. oh sure baby! you're not aware.
and no way that you'll be interested to know these things.
or even to know how much ive mess my life since that murder.
sure!
that i dont know how i can stand the fact that you dont care.
and i cant even hate you for that.
not even at all.
i just cannot.
and i hate being so weak when its about you.
*sob
i am hating myself.
I HATE THE WAY I AM!
well what do you expect me to say.
if i was good enough. or maybe better.
maybe you'll never think of leaving.
I HATE BEING MONIQUE.
i dont like myself.
i was sick. i was tired.
pulling me down.
giving me invisible bruises. it was like a slow death.
and you're the one who is securing my resting place.
no baby. not a bullet shot through my head.
but a blunt sword cutting through my neck. deep.
too much of saying. ill go. ill leave. i will move on. but look at me now.
*sigh*
there would always be something that would bring me back to you.
what a great torment.
i remember.
telling myself someday you will get hurt.
not because i wanted to or because im vengeful.
someday you will cry because i have really fallen inlove with someone else.
so dont wait for me to hurt you unintentionally.
*smurk.
as if! as if you'll give a damn.
ofcourse you wont.
i can just fall for someone.
and you wont care.
**another cut. in the midst of silence.
when everyone is asleep.
i will cry for my death.
i'll myself.
i'll cry your name.
ill cry it all out.
you'll feel it. you'll hear it.
you'll be reminded of my sobbing sounds.
**sob
tears were falling because i think i am ready to let go.
so do i believe.
--to be continued
last 120 seconds
pa'yakap naman.
2minutes lang.
sabihin mu pag hindi ka na makahinga ha?
miss na miss na kase kita.
**iyakk
his nikai
and..
i cud tell you his favorite color is red..
he likes to argue..
he is born on the 4th..
his sister is beautiful..
he has his mother's eyes..
and if u ask me if i love him..
--I would lie..='(
how i tried. *sniff
hurt.
dunno why.
coz you wont stop.
--running into my head.
i dunno why im enjoying this.
**sniff
i just. aaaa! nevermind.
='(
dunno why.
coz you wont stop.
--running into my head.
i dunno why im enjoying this.
**sniff
i just. aaaa! nevermind.
='(
kuwaderno
Dec. 06, 2008
my dearest love,
i couldn't sleep lastnight
because i know it was over
between us..
no im not bitter anymore
because i know that what we had was real..
and if in some distant place in the future
we'll see each other with our new lives..
i'll smile at you with joy..
and remember how we
spend our happiest days together..
learning from each other..
and growing inlove..
i love you dear..
and i'll be seeing you..
still yours,
monique
my dearest love,
i couldn't sleep lastnight
because i know it was over
between us..
no im not bitter anymore
because i know that what we had was real..
and if in some distant place in the future
we'll see each other with our new lives..
i'll smile at you with joy..
and remember how we
spend our happiest days together..
learning from each other..
and growing inlove..
i love you dear..
and i'll be seeing you..
still yours,
monique
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