again.
another night of battle.
turning and turning.
tryin to catch sleep.
--it's been 3 months.
3months, 10 days, and 11hours.
since you bring with you all
that is left in me.
everything.
--my heart.
life without you was full of drinking and smoking.
i had no sleep for weeks.
looked like shit and pale.
tasted nothing but tears.
no food, just water.
water to avoid dehydration.
seems like i am ready for another round of breakdown.
in fact. everytime this happens.
it was like relive the first time.
coming back to the very moment you
just drop it. BOOM!
we are dead.
no more us. no more.
as i close my eyes it all flashes back again tonight.
vividly.
the first cut.
cryin.
as if everytime could be the last.
it's as if Id die crying.
dammit!
all over again.
this night.
your nikai!
it's just like im going around in circles.
you know what?
breaking your heart would be the last things i would do.
ill never forgive myself if that would happen.
ive never tried changing who you are.
though sometimes i think that if im not inlove with you,
ill be thinkin that you're just another dumbass.
but you're different.
i dont know why i think you're just different.
i see you this way.
you. this.
i see you in the most special way.
like no one can ever see a person.
or no one can ever appreciate every single little thing.
it's you.
you who make me fall this deep.
--and make me this stupid.
i dont need you to be perfect.
never did i wish you were.
i have loved you.
everyday.
dear ive been tryin to get over you.
since day one you've slapped into my face.
that there will be no chances for us.
so i dont need to fight for what i feel.
though just watching you go is like a suicide.
im not sure how hard or easy it was for you.
letting someone court me is not fair.
it feels like im being unfaithful.
dammit!
im not gonna let anyone heal my pains.
when i know there is no cure.
or maybe its not really cure that im after.
maybe.
i just need to get used to it.
damn fine!
somehow i am craving for help.
someone else to save me.
to hold me with touch and to keep me in chains.
but no. no way. ill endure this myself. you know what.
i miss being kissed by you. ive told myself not to allow anyone to kiss me.
no matter how good they are.
or how much of better kisser that person is.
--for i know for sure that ill always end up
looking for the taste of your lips.
as if im crazily addicted to it. dammit! this hurts.
that every single day of still loving and hurting.
my mouth would still utter the three words you
used to hear from me. oh sure baby! you're not aware.
and no way that you'll be interested to know these things.
or even to know how much ive mess my life since that murder.
sure!
that i dont know how i can stand the fact that you dont care.
and i cant even hate you for that.
not even at all.
i just cannot.
and i hate being so weak when its about you.
*sob
i am hating myself.
I HATE THE WAY I AM!
well what do you expect me to say.
if i was good enough. or maybe better.
maybe you'll never think of leaving.
I HATE BEING MONIQUE.
i dont like myself.
i was sick. i was tired.
pulling me down.
giving me invisible bruises. it was like a slow death.
and you're the one who is securing my resting place.
no baby. not a bullet shot through my head.
but a blunt sword cutting through my neck. deep.
too much of saying. ill go. ill leave. i will move on. but look at me now.
*sigh*
there would always be something that would bring me back to you.
what a great torment.
i remember.
telling myself someday you will get hurt.
not because i wanted to or because im vengeful.
someday you will cry because i have really fallen inlove with someone else.
so dont wait for me to hurt you unintentionally.
*smurk.
as if! as if you'll give a damn.
ofcourse you wont.
i can just fall for someone.
and you wont care.
**another cut. in the midst of silence.
when everyone is asleep.
i will cry for my death.
i'll myself.
i'll cry your name.
ill cry it all out.
you'll feel it. you'll hear it.
you'll be reminded of my sobbing sounds.
**sob
tears were falling because i think i am ready to let go.
so do i believe.
--to be continued
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